- Put the bouncy seat in the bathroom where it can been seen easily when peeking out from behind the shower curtain.
- Make sure the newborn doesn’t need food or changing, and strap him into the bouncy. Be sure to turn on vibration mode and music, lest he get restless and fussy while you are soaping up.
- Drag the exersaucer from the living room into the bathroom doorway. It won’t fit through the doorway, so wedge it in as best you can. Make sure toddler is already inside the bathroom with you. Otherwise, you will have to vault over the exersaucer while holding the toddler. Not advisable.
- Rapidly disrobe and step into the shower. Grab soap and get going. Peek out to check on the boys every 10 seconds to make sure no one has run off or burst into uncontrollable tears.
- Use the warm water to deaden the pain you feel from sleep deprivation (which, by the way, becomes a real physical ache by the time you’re down to 4 hours or less a night).
- Be thankful that you can now see and reach everything that you want to wash and/or shave. Fail to realize that you are so tired that you will miss an entire leg when shaving.
- Soap, shampoo, perhaps throw some conditioner in there.
- Scrub face in a vain attempt to reinvigorate your brain.
- Turn off water. Check on boys again. Towel off and wrap the towel around your drippy hair, still slick with the conditioner you forgot to rinse out.
- Unwedge the exersaucer and drag it back to the living room with the toddler still inside. Whee! It’s like the luge, only without the ice. Return to the bathroom to fetch the newborn, who is now crying because he was left alone for 20 seconds. You may or may not do this tenth step naked.
Rejoice! You have showered in record time.
There are rapidly aging bath scrubs and other relaxing niceties in my bathroom closet. They will likely stay unopened until the kids are in high school. But when Cade puts my ponytail holder in his mouth and goes “Grrrrr” like a dog with a chew toy, I laugh too much to care whether I smell like lavender and mountain dewdrops.
Ready, Olympians? On your mark, get set, GO!